When Is My Brain Coming Back?

My brain still isn’t working like it used to. I’m not sure if its chemo brain lingering, or my mind trying to get back to fully functional, or something telling me to take it easy.

BRAIN-AT-WORKWords come to me slowly. In fact, sometimes they don’t come to me at all. And I’m not talking about complicated words. The other day at work, I couldn’t think of the word chair. CHAIR! I had to act it out to my co-worker, like we were playing charades. Could have been funny at a party, but during a work meeting…not so funny. Luckily my co-workers are also friends, so they were quite gracious with me. It was another daily reminder of what I’ve been through from breast cancer and how my brain hasn’t gotten back to normal yet.

Before I started chemo, I talked to many women who had been through what I was about to go through. One of the things they told me was that their mind still hadn’t gotten back to fully functioning. Some of these women were 3-5 years out of treatment. They said they couldn’t multi-task like they used to. And that their concentration wasn’t as good either. I thought they were being dramatic. And I thought, oh, that won’t happen to me. Well…here we are.

I’m trying to be patient. Next month marks my one year anniversary of finishing all my treatments. Everyone reminds me that it takes a while for the body and brain to get back to 100% functionality. I’m hoping that magically a switch is flicked in my brain that makes it work again at the one year mark. Patience with myself is not one of my strengths. Another stupid lesson to learn from this ordeal.

There’s a saying in the cancer community – “the new normal” – how to navigate your life after diagnosis and completing treatment. But I’ve come to see that my new normal is actually more like the new brain.

I’m sure there’s a more sophisticated word to describe how I feel about this new brain, but the only thing that comes to mind is UGH!

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Finally Caught A Break

Three weeks ago today, I went in for surgery to see if I had ovarian cancer. As I blogged before the surgery, we weren’t sure what we were going to find. Just a little nerve racking.

It was a long two and a half weeks between my first meeting with my gyno oncologist and my day of surgery. I was convinced I was going to have ovarian cancer. I was preparing for the worst — a complete hysterectomy, months of chemo, chemo brain, losing my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes again, and who knows what else. I couldn’t even really process the choice that I was making about having my ovaries removed. I was clear about my decision to do this, but would have to later deal with the feelings surrounding this decision. I don’t have children yet, but definitely want them. But at this point, I just wanted to be alive to be able to figure out how to do that. Would I even survive having ovarian cancer? The statistics on ovarian cancer are not good. I haven’t caught a break up until this point, so why would this time be any different?

I arrived at the hospital at 5.30am for a 7.30am surgery. I think I got about an hour of sleep the night before. Obviously I couldn’t stop my mind from racing.

The nurse walked me back into the pre-op room, took my vitals, asked me my name and birthdate a million times, and hooked up my IV. Then I was left by myself in the room for a while. This is when I lost it. Couldn’t stop crying. I was so scared. My life was about to take a dramatic turn…again.

My family came into the room and we all had a good cry together. Very few words were said — I mean, what’s there really to say? I think we were all hoping for the best but expecting the worst. You can be knocked down only so many times before you stop believing that you won’t get hit.

They started the anesthesia and luckily that’s the last thing I remember before waking up after surgery.

Surgery was supposed to take 3 hours, but only took 45 minutes. They removed by ovaries and tubes, and tested the lesion. It quickly came back benign. They closed me up and we were done.

No ovarian cancer!

YIPPEE!!! Hooray!!! Woo-hoo!!!

I came to after surgery and the nurse told me the good news while I was in recovery. I couldn’t believe it. Am I dreaming? Am I still in surgery? Is this really happening?

They rolled me from the recovery room to a regular room to rest before leaving the hospital. My family came into the room cheering and smiling, giving hugs and kisses to me. I’d never been so happy and relieved in my life.

It’s been a long year and a half of tests and bad news. For once, it was so great to get good news from a doctor, telling me I don’t have cancer.

I finally caught a break.

Yippee