Riding The Coaster

As I wrote in my last blog post, I need to have surgery to find out if what they see on my ultrasound is ovarian cancer. I met with my gynecologist oncologist last week and surgery is set for tomorrow.

When I named this blog – navigating the roller coaster of being a breast cancer survivor – I didn’t know how true these words would be. This week it’s really hitting me. Being a cancer survivor really is a roller coaster. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. These past two weeks have been a lot of downs.

I’m in a bit of shock about it all. How can this be happening to me? Again. It’s going to suck to have to go through chemo again. I know I might be jumping the gun on this, but once you’ve had a cancer diagnosis, it’s hard to believe that everything will be ok.

This week I’ve been nauseous, have had stomach pains and don’t have an appetite. Is that ovarian cancer or is that nerves? I guess we’ll know tomorrow.

Fingers crossed for good news. I could really use some.

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1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Last week I had my regular check up with my gynecologist to watch for ovarian cancer. Since I have the breast cancer gene (BRCA), I am also at a high risk for ovarian cancer. So every 2-3 months I go in for an ultrasound and blood work.

I’ve been doing these ultrasounds since March of this year, so I really thought I was prepared. As I shared in a past blog post, these tests are really emotionally draining. But I was feeling like I was in a good place and ready to tackle this one. I wore my usual good luck pajamas to bed the night before my tests and wore my usual good luck outfit to meet with my gynecologist.

Previous ultrasounds showed cysts on my ovaries, but those would wash away by the time of the next ultrasound. Then new ones would appear and we’d watch those.

I expected this ultrasound to be the same thing. The technician did my ultrasound this past Tuesday and said: so, it looks like we’re just chasing cysts here. We’ll see what the doctor thinks.

So as I waited to see my gynecologist, I started thinking about writing this blog post. I had already decided the title was going to be: Chasing Cysts. I was feeling relieved at the idea that we were just chasing cysts. I can handle chasing cysts.

Then my gynecologist walked into the room. She sat down and had a worried look on her face. She said the cyst is quite large and dark, and has some fluid around it creating a cobweb-like design. None of those things are good news.

My gynecologist said we should wait and see what the blood work comes back with, but she also said she wanted me to meet with a gynecology oncologist to get a second opinion of my ultrasound. So she sent me right over to meet with that doctor.

FUCK! This is when I started freaking out.

This is exactly what happened when I felt my lump last year. I felt my lump, I went to see this same gynecologist, she had me go do a mammogram on the exact same day, and one week later I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

This past Tuesday, I met with my gynecologist, and she sent me to see another doctor the same day, to look into what concerns her. On my way to meet with this gyno oncologist, I even passed by the breast center where I had my mammogram last year. This didn’t make me feel very good or calm me down. Quite the opposite.

When I met with the gyno oncologist, he also had a worried look on his face after looking at my ultrasound. He said a dark cyst with fluid around it is a sign of ovarian cancer. Not what I was hoping to hear, to say the least.

Both my gyno and gyno oncologist are recommending that I do surgery to find out if what they see on the ultrasound is ovarian cancer. I also have to decide if I want to just test the cyst for ovarian cancer or if I want to have my ovaries removed at the time of surgery to significantly lower my risk ovarian, if I don’t have ovarian cancer now.

Difficult decisions and no good options.

On Friday I did get some tentative good news from my gynecologist about my blood work. She said that my blood work came back with a score of 4 for ovarian cancer. Most women with ovarian cancer have a score in the hundred or thousands. So that was reassuring.

However, I am still concerned and won’t know for sure if I have ovarian cancer until surgery is done.

While my family and friends are staying positive, I can’t stop myself from thinking about having to go through chemo again. Once you’ve had cancer, its hard to stay hopeful and positive when the doctor has a worried look on their face. It’s hard to believe that this time you won’t have cancer.

Two weeks ago I was feeling good. I was getting my energy back. I was going out with friends. I was going on vacation.

And now this. It sucks.

1 step forward, 2 steps back.